Pleaserism

"If you spend more time, giving your time to others, than the time you take for yourself, you are wasting your time." –NJ

Are you a people pleaser?

A people pleaser is someone who is always trying to make someone else happier while sacrificing themselves.

Let me explain.

First there is a difference in how you are giving your time. What is the difference?

How giving that time makes you feel. If you give time out of obligation to someone with no reward, you feel disappointment. If you give time because you want to, you feel pleasure regardless of how anyone else feels. When you give your time to accommodate others wants or needs and receive nothing in return, you have deceived yourself. When I say receive, I do not specifically mean a 'gift', let's call it a 'reward'. For some there need to receive recognition, praise. These would be their rewards. When you set out to give time to others in hopes of receiving this kind of reward, you have expectations which could lead to disappointments. You have no way of knowing how what you are doing (even if it is done in good faith) is received by someone else, or if they will react a certain way that you may have envisioned. When you give yourself, your time and receive the reward of self-satisfaction, you win. You have given yourself a reward.

There is nothing wrong with helping others, pleasing others, as long as you are rewarded by what you have done. If you are content with why, what and how you are helping, you cannot go wrong.

Always ask yourself, why, what & how.

• Why am I doing this?
  

Out of obligation?

Out of guilt?

Out of the desire to help?

Out of the kindness of my own heart?

• What do I expect out of this?
  

Expect praise?

Expect recognition?

Expect a sense of pleasure?

Expect to feel joy?

• How will I feel when all is said and done?
  

Feel drained, unhappy?

Feel frustrated & irritated?

Feel joy, happiness?

Feel accomplished, pleasure?

If your answers are negative, like the first two responses to each question, you can expect a negative reward. When your answers are positive, you can expect a positive reward.

It is not selfish to say, "No" when someone ask you for help. When you have answered all 3 questions with a negative response and still help, you will create a bigger problem known as resentment. The resentment could be directed toward the person who asked for your help or the resentment could be directed back at yourself for allowing you to do what you did not want to do and you received no reward for your efforts. You might also find yourself being asked for help more frequently which could make you feel as if you are being used. If there is no reward, you probably are being used.

Asking yourself, why, what and how when asked for help can be what changes you from a people-pleaser to a pleased helping people person. Helping people is rewarding, when it is done from the heart. When you try to please everyone else, you are sacrificing your own self and will not have a positive reward.

"Making sacrifices is not wrong, as long as it is for the right reasons, regardless of the outcome." - NJ

"Trying to please everyone, sacrifices one's own pleasures" - NJ